My Initial Post - From Questioning to Believer to Atheist

So I'm never good at keeping up with blogs. I had one for our family, but the content always ended up pointing to Facebook pictures or YouTube videos. Besides the family blog is not always the place to post my own musings. I wanted something, that when the right time came my son or daughter could go to see my own thoughts and reflections on my life.

This initial post has to do with something that has impacted mine and Scott's (my husband's) life significantly over the past few years. I am an atheist. Now before you go judging me, hear me out.

My entire life I've always been a good girl. I was naive, I was book smart, I always obeyed my parents. My mother traveled from church to church it seemed. She typically ended up in the Methodist sect more often then not. My father...he never really was the church going type. To this day, I'm not really sure what he believes. He would dodge and avoid answering my questions directly about his beliefs. But back to my mother. To this day, she loves Jesus Christ, and wanted my sister and I to look to Him for all things. Don't get me wrong, she was/is a great mother. She wanted us to grow up to be and do whatever we wanted. She was accepting of whatever we decided to do, so long as it was an educated decision. She is very accepting of my thoughts on life and the decisions I have made. But she did not raise me to be completely free-thinking in the aspect of religion. I definitely believe that she laid the foundations. But it was up to me to make that final step. I remember her telling me to read and find answers, but when asking her questions about God, it was always 'this is how we believe.' Never 'this is what I believe'. When I think about it, I probably have always been an atheist, but never had the esteem to say. 'WORLD, THIS IS WHAT I THINK IS CORRECT.' I always questioned those around me, my Sunday school teachers. 'Well, God is suppost to be nice right? Why did he go and kill everyone?' 'So if God knows everything, why put his 'faithful' through so much torment?' 'If God created us, who created Him?' I always knew there was more out there, something bigger than God. I just never knew what 'that' was.

When my mother and father divorced, I stayed with my father. The church goings stopped, and I was essentially some heathen that didn't even think of religion, and God. It wasn't part of my life, I didn't miss it. I didn't feel like something -was- missing. I just lived my life. Then I met my beloved...Scott.

Scott was LDS. I was (and still am) infatuated with him. Blinded by my love for him, I'd believe whatever he told me to pretty much. (Disclaimer: The pretty much is...if he asked me to follow him into some faith again...we'd have to talk:) ) So I took the discussions, and believed them as he did. Something in the back of my head told me it was the emotions and the chemical reactions occurring, but I disregarded my own logic. Pushed it to the side and followed my love. We were outstanding members, paid our 10%, prayed, attended church, held callings, got sealed...all the things good members do. Yet, through all of that, something was not right.

Scott and I started not attending church. The church leaders called us in and threw Pascal's Wager at us. We bought it once, then...it was told to us again. This time, something hit. While it sounds nice...something just wasn't right. The wager is nice, I mean what does one have to lose? You get fellowship...yet I can get fellowship through other avenues. You get a friendly environment for your children...yet I can get that through other means. You get access to the higher levels of Heaven....huh?! Let's back that car back up. At this point, the logic center of my mind kicks in. 'Jen, you are a rational thinker. You're not emotional, and even your family has told you that. So let's think about this whole religion thing with reason.' That's when it happened. My brain flicks through all of my 25 years of books, schooling, classes, logic and debates. In that hour of reflection I opened myself up to a whole new world. I knew...I just knew that I lived all those years of believing and telling others I believed...it was all a lie. For not being emotional, this was a roller-coaster. I was upset, I was angry, I was sad, I was happy, I was free, I was...I was me. I was/am an individual who will orbit this pale blue dot for my time. I will be forgotten as time progresses. My being, my individuality, myself will disappear with the breath that leaves me. Our children, mine and Scott's offspring will need to carry on our legacy. They will need to remember us. If they don't only our genetics will live on (assuming they procreate). Until one day, the world is no more. Woah, overload. I am nothing but a small speck on a pale blue dot in the vastness of the universe. Then it hit me...what do I do? I have these thoughts, these amazing thoughts. Yet, would it hurt those that I love? Would it impact my own relationships because I no longer believe as they did? Little did I know, Scott was having the same journey I was. We discussed it and chatted about it. He was much more willing to rock the boat with his new found discoveries. Me? I just wanted to be accepted and respected regardless of my beliefs. After a year of transitioning folks to the idea that Scott and I no longer believed, and having different thoughts than they, I can admit that the journey was difficult. We had relationships tested, others strengthened, and others...well dissolved. This specific journey has taught me more about hypocrites, acceptance, and respect than I ever imagined.

In the end. I'm happier than I ever have been. For the first time, I feel free. I feel honest. I feel...like me.