When Good Discussions Go Bad

So ever have a really amazing discussion happening?  Every person involved keeps it respectful, and says 'what if' and never points to a specific person, or entity.  The discussion is kept general enough and focused enough that despite being a sensitive topic, no one feels persecuted or picked on or offended.  Then someone goes on a complete derailing rampage not really related to the topic at hand.

Ever had that happen?  Yea, it sucks.

I could not have been more proud

Last week I read an article discussing a study how kids view race. After reading this Scott and I of course naturally wondered what Mat would do or say in a test such as that.  This discussion was in the car ride home one day.  Well naturally we talked about things and forgot about it til today.

Today we pick up Mat from his Nana's house.  We got in the car and were driving home.  We were talking about how people all over the world are different colors and from different cultures.  This topic then lead to us discussing how people are treated because of the color of their skin or the culture in which they were raised.  He then turns to Scott, and says, 'Always remember!  It doesn't matter what's on the outside, it matters what's in the inside.  Mommy, Daddy, always remember that.'  Then he goes into this big lengthy discussion about how if one person isn't a pretty or well dressed they could still be very nice and interesting.  He discussed in such a way that was so matter of fact, that it made me proud.  He just could not fathom why people would be mean to someone because they look or act different.

If only all of us could learn from the six year old with the toothless grin...

“To lie or not to lie to my child” A thought about raising Freethinkers.

With the Easter Bunny stories hopping about in schools currently, I started thinking…what do Scott and I do about this?  “This” being reinforcing that stories are true, that we know are not true. 

A brief story:

Before I…gave into my rational side, Scott and I did the whole Santa and Easter Bunny thing.  We wanted Mat to believe in the stories.  We did bells on the rooftop, we did Easter baskets on the floor, we ate the cookies meant for Santa, we left eggs throughout the yard…Then Mat came to us and said, ‘But Mommy, you said magic isn’t real and monsters aren’t real…so that means the tooth fairy and Santa aren’t real either because they’re magic.’  He was 3, almost 4.  We were crushed.  A 3 year old just rationalized out that those characters were not real.  Scott and I gave in and admitted that he was correct.  We had outside pressures telling us to not do that, to do MORE to keep him believing, to convince him otherwise.  We couldn’t do it.  To this day, if he asks us, we tell him the truth.  That said, to this day he wavers from time to time in what believes.  I feel the wavering is natural.  It could be peer pressure, or his little mind rationalizing everything he's been told.  Most of the time, he believes they are not real.  If he says they are real, we choose not to tell him no.  We ask him why he thinks that way, and we respect those thoughts.  We do not tell him he was wrong, but instead nod and ask him to think about it.  Sometimes he does, other times he runs off to play.

With Tempe, we will not do the bells, we will not do the cookies…this is a decision Scott and I have made.  Personally, we feel that we should not lie to our children to make them believe in a story.  People may think that our children will miss out on the joys of having an ‘Easter Bunny’ visit their house.  To that I say that those parents will miss out on the joy and love your children give YOU when you present them those gifts.  Also, why should we enhance life with false beliefs when there is so much to life as it is?  I love the story behind these fictional characters, and feel that children need to learn to give to others.  But to me, there are so many other ways for children to learn to give, than to toss them a story of an imaginary character in which you force them to believe.  Stories regarding moral principles are just stories.  Actions real people take are those that make a legacy.  So on Christmas, we will read of Santa and tell them of the Christmas beliefs around the world.  We will exchange gifts…but those gifts will be from us to each other.  We will do this with our children, and hope that when they get married they find their own way to celebrate their life with their loved ones in a way that is special to them.     

"We're going to Grandma's for Easter Sunday, what are you doing!?" More Challenges in Raising Freethinkers

So this upcoming Sunday happens to be Easter Sunday for most religious folks.  For the Grant household...it is just another day.  Or is it?  Scott and I realized that this holiday will be celebrated by not just Mat's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, but by most of the people at his school.  So Easter bunny this, and Passover that...how do we as his parents get the idea within him, that those are some of many things that occur around this date?  Along with the idea, that he does not have to participate in those ideas or beliefs if he does not want to do so.  (Though he will, because what kid doesn't like the idea of a big bunny.)  Enter a conversation that Scott and I had with other parents at Reason Rally about creationism stories. 

Essentially the conversation revolved around introducing several ideas together, not leaning on one primary focus.  So when introducing creation stories, introduce several culture's beliefs at the same time.  This approach will be the one we take this Sunday.  My mother wished for 'her little family' (as she calls us) to get together.  This is more than fine, but it is also of the habit to get together at Easter.  So we informed her, that we do not wish to call the get together an 'Easter Celebration', but would prefer to call it a family gathering. 

At the gathering, I know my mom (who is religious, but respects how we are raising Mat and Tempe) would probably appreciate a nod to her beliefs.  What we will attempt to do is to explain various cultures beliefs of 'Easter' around the world.  We will explain Easter from the Christian sense, and how it is celebrating the resurrection of Christ, along with the Jewish Passover.  We will mention that the word, Easter, has Anglo-Saxon paganism roots referring to a goddess.  She was goddess of the dawn, and those worshiping her held feasts in her honor during the month of April. We'll discuss the Western theme of the Easter Bunny and egg decoration, that the egg is widely used as a symbol of the start of new life, just as new life emerges from an egg.  There are several other cultural events that occur around this time of year, so we will probably pick a few more as well to discuss over lunch/dinner.    

They (my mom and sister) wish to give Mat and Tempe gifts (as the standard basket and bunny celebration happens.)  I asked that they don't say the 'Easter bunny' got them, but instead say they wanted to give them something.  (This to me means so much more than receiving gifts from a fictional character.)  My mom is taking this opportunity to be creative in how she presents them gifts, and will be requiring the kids to complete a 'treasure hunt' for location of the gifts.  I thought that was a great idea!  She'll give them clues that they have to rationalize and figure out in order to obtain their gift.  

Again to us, we just want Mat and Tempe to make a choice as to what he believes.  We don't want to deprive either one of them of anything.   

Reason Rally Recap

It’s been a little over a week since the Reason Rally ended and we got home. It was pretty phenomenal – everything about it! The Cthulhu-crazed protestor (ok, mock protestor, but still!), the real protestors: WBC (flanked by guards), preachers in boxes spouting Bible verses and a small group of sign-wielding protestors near the stage was cool to see since I’ve ever actually been a part of something that got protested against! The speakers were excellent, the crowd was huge despite the drizzle, I got to hang out with my awesome Camp Quest friends AND I was there with the coolest chick in the world, my wife!

I loved listening to Adam Savage speak. He’s not someone that’s automatically associated with atheism like Dawkins or even Minchin is, and he’s mainstream enough that he’s recognizable to a huge portion of people across the US (and world). He was also so well-spoken – he got his point across that he doesn’t believe in a god or magic or the supernatural, but he also stressed the point that what we all need to do is just love each other. I don’t know why the religious have a problem with that, but many do.

As fun as that was, it didn’t compare to the Camp Quest tent. Jen and I had volunteered for setup and a 2-hour shift, but ended up staying in the tent for the vast majority of the day on Saturday. It was our base of operations and we tried to help fill in wherever we could. Lots of kids came through and some of them were incredibly impressive. I ran the games table, Jen ran the science table, and there was a 10 year old boy who came through and played with the Ooblek. Someone asked him what it was and he responded “It’s a non-Newtonian fluid that displays properties of liquids and solids depending on the force applied”. I just wanted to stare at him. Badass.

Even better than that was the chance that Jen and I had to sit in a small group of people and chat with Dale McGowan, author of Parenting Beyond Belief. Between his advice and stories and listening to the situations of the other parents in the group, some of whose concerns mirrored mine and Jen’s, was simply amazing. Many of our atheist and skeptic friends don’t have kids yet, so being involved with Camp Quest and especially this small group for the small part of the day, was enlightening. We came away with recommendations on books, an understanding of how good we have it in many ways and some great ideas on how to introduce religion to Mat without biasing him one way or the other. One thing we plan on doing is using a book called ‘In the Beginning’. It’s a collection of creation myths from dozens of cultures around the world, with Christianity included in the middle. It’s a good way to show Mat all of the stories that exist, all of the beliefs and cultures that have grown around our origins and let him begin to form his own opinions and thoughts on it. We’re going to do the same for some holidays – let him learn about how different cultures celebrate the same holidays, for instance. This, plus the 3-questions game at night, should be fun.

This weekend, while Jen had her session for her awesome tattoo, I went to a Reason Rally recap and panel discussion with the Humanist Community of Central Ohio (HCCO). We heard from a few attendees of Reason Rally, including one of the kids who came through the Camp Quest tent. I got to hear from JT Eberhard on his input and thoughts on the secular movement in general, on Reason Rally and more, which was enlightening. He’s a firebrand, but he needs to be.

Finally, we went out to dinner with a few members of HCCO/Camp Quest/Secular Student Alliance and ate amazing Indian food and had some amazing conversation. I wish we didn’t have to drive 2 hours to do it! Adams County: you suck.